Testimony and Faith

I gave my testimony at my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group today.  This is what I wrote, and spoke.

Testimony:

Hi, my name is Andrea Hipfner. I am a 31 year old married mother of 2 fun children under the age of 4. I'm fairly new to Saint Louis. I grew up in Tulsa, OK and at 24 moved to Raleigh, NC to be closer to my boyfriend (now husband) at the time while he finished up school at NC State. In 2007 we got married, had Henry in 2009, moved to STL in 2010 and had Lucy in 2011. So, I'll say we were a little busy.

Growing up working was very important. I grew up with a very hardworking father, mother, aunt and a very special Grandad who all remain very important and part of my story and faith. My work ethic and responsible nature are something I take pride in and my family members are to thank for that.

I was brought up Free Will Baptist and was saved and baptized when I was 8. I have renewed my faith in God and asked the Lord to be with me in the early summer of 2012. It was a magnificent day! I'm continuing that journey and hope to learn more about The Father, Son and Holy Spirit as I continue this journey.

I had worked since age 12 (cleaning houses, babysitting) then started working a “real” job at age 16 . I took great pride in my work ethic. Every job I have ever had I have been promoted and I've never been fired in the 11 years I've worked. Working hard and always giving 100% was a HUGE part of me and still is. So, when my husband and I decided that I would be a stay at home Mom a huge part of my identity was abandoned in a way (and that was the way I chose to look at it at the time).

Then, one day I had this bright idea that THIS, being a SAHM, was my job. My full time job. 100%. I was going to wake up every morning at the same time, shower, get dressed, put on a little makeup, brush my hair, put my shoes on, all that jazz. I was very hard and strict on myself. Since it was my new full time job I was also going to do it perfect, as I had always demanded of myself. I was going to be THE MOM. It was all going to run smooth because I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL.

Wellllll....as you can imagine that all went well for a whole year and a half. Then I got pregnant with Lucy. I had major hip/pelvic problems. Suddenly I could not play the perfect Mum anymore. There were some days I couldn't even really walk. You can see how hard that would be with a 1.5 year old, yes? I gave up a lot of control and about that time, I started chatting with my good friend, Jesus. He was still there, oh yes he was. He never forgot me, and he always listened to me, of course. He helped me through my pregnancy and taking care of my sweet little boy. I leaned on him, a lot.

I had Lucy on 7/11/11 via c-section and of course, we brought our sweet Little Lucky Lovely Lucy home. I was blessed to have a huge amount of help at home as I recovered from surgery and all that fun, special hormonal stuff. Then, after everyone had gone home I had 2 babies under 2 years it became very apparent that if I was going to make this work I had to buck up again.  be Wonder Woman. Therefore, I again needed to to be THE MOM. Are you starting to see a theme here? So, there we went again. I woke up the same time every morning, took a shower, got dressed, did my hair and makeup, put my shoes on and went to work for the day. And then, only then, like a smack in the face, or perhaps it was a smack in the face with some spaghetti via Henry, I really don't recall, you know, details... I REALIZED THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK. THIS ISN'T A JOB. This is called Motherhood and I am MOTHER Monday-Sunday, 24 hours a day and guess what, BONUS, I'm on call! Just a little bit of self imposed pressure there, you think?

My personal motto had always been, “Look it, act it, feel it, be it”. I was doing those things. I was living my own silly little motto. Therefore I was STUNNED when a year and a half ago I lost it. Those things that I had taken such pride in? Gone. Keeping a clean house, cooking a perfect dinner, making sure my children were meeting all their milestones going on field trips, etc. All that ambition had completely left me and in strut a woman I didn't even know. A woman who was still in her pajamas and hadn't bothered to bathe in 3 days. And it was Thursday afternoon, I'm not talking about a laid back long weekend. No. I was depressed, completely overwhelmed, lonely and 2 steps away from being in the loony bin.

I had been praying a lot that week. Just calling out to God, “God, please help me! Let me know you are here, help me! I cant do this anymore! I am a horrible mother and I hate myself and I'm useless, just useless!” Oh yes, I'm sure it was ALL very dramatic and Jesus and God were enjoying the front seat show and I say all that in jest. They knew, they KNEW that I just needed to ask Jesus back into my life to know that the Holy Spirit was there. I needed to do that. It's like our last speaker said, “God is a gentleman. He will wait, and he will let you go first.  He'll open the door, but you must walk in first".

Psalm 46:10. “Be still and know that I am God”. My favorite Bible verse.  It was as if that tiny, yet magnificent verse I repeated all those years finally came alive. Now that I think about it, I know. The prayer, the thought, it wasn't alive. What was alive was the Holy Spirit, and HE was calling me home. He had been there all along, and unfortunately, I hadn't been listening. I did not have the sense to acknowledge or invite him back into my heart. Well, let me tell you, that day I heard him! Loud and clear. I invited him back in, and it was a wonderful, magnificent day. I was so happy! I called my Mom, Mini Aunt Rose Ann, Grand Dad, my Daddy, Mother in law, brother, sisters in laws, cousin, all to tell them. I was so blown away, so thankful.

I do still use the job analogy, but in a much more relaxed way. After all, I am at least the supervisor, right? As my mother said “give up control of being in control”. Great Mom advice given by MY Momma. I don't beat myself up if I'm not able to do all of the “perfect” things I used to do. Silly things like you know, bathe and dress for the day. I mean, lets get real. Those days happen. It's called LIFE.

I don't think that anyone prepares us as mothers the intensity of loneliness that can fall upon us if we are not careful and don't acknowledge the infinite love of God.

And I myself thought, “this is stupid. How can I be lonely? I have 2 little friends around me all day.”. Well, no, you have your children around you. You are their everything, they love you unconditionally and you love them the same. When your partner gets home from working an 8-10 hour day you're both lucky to speak 5 sentences to each other before falling asleep at 8pm. So yes, you DO get lonely. That is why I am so lucky, fortunate, blessed to be part of this MOPS group. It's simply amazing to meet up with a group of stunning women who are ALL in the same boat, the boat of Motherhood. Or the Motherhood cruise ship on the fun days. We all have our ups and downs. We laugh, we cry, well, maybe only I cry.  I remember my first MOPS meeting where I went through a whole box of Kleenex and also made others cry along? I'll never forget that kindness I was shown that day.

The point is, we are all friends. We all all here to support each other. We are sisters. Take advantage of this group. Get involved. Consider volunteering a portion of your time if you are able. Learn about your table mates. Invite them over for lunch, dinner or a play date. Call them out of the blue! They may need a friend. Women need women. And we ALL need friends.

Switching it up

I'm trying something new that my Mom suggested.  Writing exercises.  This is the first one.

Write a brief scene including the words 'chance', 'urban', and 'entertain'.

I watched her. I caught a glimpse of her walking in my favorite cliché bar that I frequent. You know, the type of bar that's acceptable when you are a lucky bachelor of 35 with no visible baggage. The type of men other men pretend not to hate. Men are not yet wise enough to not be green. I am very intuitive they say.

I watched her. I saw her. I observed that slight beauty. I wrote up my own silly little screen play in my head while I sipped my vodka tonic. Boring, yet clean, just like the drink. Just like me.

Her life was once simply fabulous. I can tell by the figure she still carries and the carefully applied makeup on her spotless face. She's shopping at Anne Taylor and wearing, quite possibly, an exact replica of a plastic models outfit. Boring, boring, boring. Of course I'm still intrigued. My mind goes on. My brows go up, brows go down. I am vain enough to think that she's watching too. I'm wrong. She's not.

Her life has turned into this urban chic nightmare when she goes out if you're wise enough to pay attetion. Tragic, if you will. She's probably a divorcee, 3 kids, mini mansion, slight substance abuse problem, my mind goes on and on and on.

There is a tremendous beauty there, a flower ready to bloom the second time around, which means she will most definitely not give me a chance. However, my brain does dare to entertain the mere thought of rescuing this tragic woman and turning her life around. I have the means to do it, you know. I want this woman. I will have her. I want her forever. That woman is me.   

It's a fun type of crazy

I'm going through something.  Pretty sure it's like, a midlife crisis or something because it reeks of balding 40 year old man driving a tiny convertible.  Actually, that all makes sense because I've always been an old soul.  Working through it and of course I am going to be fine, just fine, but let me tell you, I have never felt this sort of crazy before.  If it inspires me to write again though, I'll take it.

Weeeeeeee!

Fun crazy.

Good Lawd it's Been a Long Minute!

A long minute since I wrote....

We recently went to the Outerbanks of North Carolina, Nags Head, specifically and just had this amazing, spectacular weekend with our really close friends.  Like, second family friends.  People who know you better than you know yourself and can tell more funny stories about themselves of you than you can imagine. We were there to watch one of my close friends, J. get married to M (such a sweetheart, wish I had more time to get to know her better!)., his fiance.  If I could ever recreate a magical moment that I witnessed in time it would be that one.  It was outdoors at the Elizabethan Gardens in Manteo. Completely amazing, a beautiful, a softly playing guitar and little boys I love and hold dear to my heart watching their Uncle getting married all while gaining a new Aunt and one sweet, darling little flower girl.  Blissful emotions ran rampant and I don't think there was one person there who didn't shed a tear of joy for this newly married couple.

The reception was fun, fun, fun!  A perfect venue with gorgeous hand made decorations by the bride.  Food was amazing, and the groom made sure to tell me he planned the menu when I complimented the choices we had to nom on, which were:  shrimp and grits (MY FAVE!), mac and cheese, broccolini, pastas with marinara or fresh pesto and each setting had their own box of two chocolate truffles.  YUM.

The party was a bit slow to warm up to dancing and that was okay because there was a lot of fun mingling.  After people got a few glasses of wine in them, watch out now!!

This should tell you how fun it was.  I danced.  A LOT.  They played "YMCA" and had props!  BONUS!!  So yeah, I was a construction worker.  It's a wonder that damn hat fit over my head.  Turns out, I got low, low, low, low and ker-plunk, fell right on my caboose.  It was all good.  I couldn't stop laughing even though I had half a dozen people trying to help me up.   No harm, no foul, but a funny memory I will never forget.  For the record, I was not the only person who fell dancing that night.  ;)

The next morning I was lucky enough to spend the whole day at this amazing on the beach house the wedding party had rented.  I'd say we were out on the beach from 11-4 pm when the winds really picked up and it got really chilly!  Plus, we were getting sandblasted.  After that some of us went to a 0.10 cent shrimp, 0.25 cent wing, or if you're JP, $1 taco restaurant.  It was a blast.  They had a musician in there playing good old classic country/drunk music.  That evening was filled with laughter, lots and lots of stories and a sad goodbye.  It was really something to talk and talk and talk to some of my friends I had not seen in over a year and just realize and feel how much more mature we all are, how happy we all are and just how proud I felt of every single one of those friends.  The this group of friends I have in NC is a rarity.  I am so lucky to be a part of this extended family and it's really something I never ever dreamed of when I moved to NC 8 years ago.  Friends like this, which I also have in Oklahoma, are always there for you, will always have your back and be loyal and no matter how much time has passed since you last spoke.  You just pick right back up where you left off with no awkwardness or silence.

My hubby and I had to fly out of RDU the next afternoon on Saturday and it's a 4 hour drive from the Outerbanks to Raleigh.  My brother in law and sister in law were kind enough to be our transportation for the vacation.  Thanks, guys!!

We kind of had a messed up flight home.  Long story story, we were supposed to depart at 3:45pm and arrive in Tulsa (Tulsa because my Mom watched the kids for us) at 8:50pm but it turned into departing at 5:30pm, missing our connecting flight in DFW and ending up arriving in Tulsa at 11pm.  Then the next morning we packed up for a VERY LONG DRIVE HOME to Saint Louis.  Man, road trips just suck with kids.  Honestly.  This time, the DVD player was not even cutting it for the kids.  That's okay though, we knew what to expect and we're just now, today on Thursday, all unpacked and caught up house work wise.

That's the story of best mini-vacay 2012, J&M's wedding.

Listography: Favorite Albums

This is a writing exercise of sorts.  It's from a book I bought a few years ago called "Listography - Your Life in Lists".  Basically it's a journal but each page gives you something to list. Since I type everything and save it in my computer I thought I'd like to type it out instead.  So, here we go.

Oh, I should mention, I'm not going in order of the book because why would I do a silly think like that?

List your favorite records:

Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon.  Oh man, I would listen to that on my portable DVD player almost every night while falling asleep in high school.  Hearing a song on the radio on that album brings back so many memories!

Smashing Pumpkins:  Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.  I cried.  I wrote.  I danced.  I cried some more.  I was inspired.   What else can I say?  I was in high school. Great, great, great album.  One that will always be so close to my heart.

Poe - Hello
Song that worth quoting here:

"Tomorrow's coming 'round like a hair-pin curve in the road
She's got a run in her stocking and she's missing the heel of her shoe
Got up this morning rolled out of bed
I spilled a Diet Coke
Called my mother
Said, "Hi." What I meant to say was:
"Why is your life a joke?"
Then I went down to that ugly bar and
I clicked my heels three times just like you said
And I climbed that road to your empty house
The anticipation was a turn-on...but you let me down
'Cause I stood on that empty street alone
I said, "I'm ready for my close-up now, Mr. Demille."
I waited for the light but it never shone
Well I wonder what you do with that expensive piece of land
That overlooks a billion years of history (I have a sneaking suspicion)
You will never understand
Hey maybe I'll see you down by the Rocky & Bullwinkle
And we can talk to that charlatan psychic
And she can paint a prettier picture of your future.

'Cause that day in my life...
That day in my life...
I dreamt tomorrow had a prettier face
I dreamt tomorrow would have better things to say
Than, "You look like shit, what's your problem, bitch?
You're legs feel like sandpaper, you can't do anything right."
'Cause that day never should have taken place
'Cause this day in my life still cannot explain
Why I listened in the first place
to you

Oh yeah, something else...

I hope one day you call up your father
And you have the guts to tell him how he hurt you
And he made you hurt another
'Cause it makes me sad."  - Poe
Look it up.  Listen to it.  Good stuff.

Modest Mouse - Good News for People who Love Bad News
The World at Large.  That was the song I listened to on repeat when I first moved to NC and cried and cried.  My heart ached for home but knowing I made the right decision made it that much harder..


Bjork.  No favorite album because I have them all.  Just a favorite artist who challenged  and enlightened the way I really heard music.

OutKast - Stankonia

PJ Harvey - Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea


There are so many other albums an songs that deserve mentions but I am sleepy now an my mind has lost interest in writing as now I want to listen Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness on Spotify.  :)

OMG - How could I have forgotten
Madonna - Ray of Light
Huge Madonna fan, but this was my favorite album by her, by far.  She really changed during that album.  It's so chill!

Okay, back to Smashing Pumpkins.

Henry - on your third birthday.

Oh, Henry.

You are three today.  THREE!!  I still remember the terrifying day I gave birth to you like it was yesterday.  Yes, you read that right.  I was terrified as it was an emergency cesarean and that was NOT your fault.  The way you came into the world is not the point.  You are here now and you are the light in my eyes.

I wrote something funny the other day I thought I'd share.  Seem appropriate here.  "My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a Mother.  I never played with Barbie Dolls, in fact, I disliked them (ask Nana).  I preferred to play house and take care of my baby dolls.  Now, I am the mother and all I want to be is the Barbie Doll with the convertible and perfect life".  That is all in jest of course.  But it was an accurate portrayal of the days you have when you are a Mom.  Sometimes the world is too heavy on your shoulder and you wish for something different.  The thing is, when you have children, you are always snapped back to reality with a giggle or a precious voice saying, "Momma?  Mommmmmm-AHHH".  You remember.  You really are "Momma".  That person in the other room loves your unconditionally and depends on you.  For that reason, I aspire to be a better person, to take care of myself, make wise choices and choose friends carefully.

Having a child is so amazing.  You get to connect with them in a way that you'd never believe.  You'll see sides of yourself, both good and bad, from your childhood and now adulthood.

The great thing?  We are all learning.  I am still learning to be a parent just as your are learning to be a three year old.  We will make mistakes and there will be tears, although, I remain optimistic that there will be no injuries.

So let's talk more about you, Henry, in bullet form:

• Some of your new interests are drawing and painting.  I try to encourage that as much as possible even if it means giving you 3 baths a day.  Artistic talent run on my side of the family
• Music is another thing you enjoy.  I hope to teach you more songs this year.
• Running.  You are an excellent runner!
• You are cautious.  You will never hear me say anything like "He's afraid of everything!".  No.  You are cautious.  When you are good and ready to try something, like climbing tall rocks or sticking your head underwater, you will do it.  I will never force you to do anything you are wary of.  
• Speaking of forcing; you can't force a kid to potty train. So we're not.  As much as we would like it to be sooner than later, we will not push it on you until you are ready.   All we can do is give you the tools and explain and talk and that's what we're doing.  
• Your little sister looks up to you so much.  She squeals when she sees you and knows you are "Bubba".  
• I love that you love to play with your Legos!  
• Trains are still a big part of your life
• As are cars
• I love how much you love me to read to you and how you will "read" and study the book all by yourself sometimes.  

This year will be a very exciting year for you as you grow more and more into the little boy that you are already coming.  You'll start preschool within the year, you'll learn to use the potty, spend a whole weekend with Nana, fly to NC at some point to visit our family there, we'll discover new talents, play new games and find new things we like!  

I love you, SO MUCH, my Pickle.  

Happy 3rd birthday, little man!

Busy!

I've been busy! That's all that needs to be said about that I suppose.

I am working hard on creating my own youtube channel. It will showcase all things prissy, mainly cosmetics: hauls, reviews and tutorials. Even if you aren't interested in makeup I think you'll find it interesting or even funny sometimes. I have the page but I'm still setting it up, working on my camera situation, trying to make things visually pleasing and remembering NOT TO LOOK AT THE SCREEN WHILE USING THE WEBCAM. The latter is a moot point as I have found out that the web cam SUCKS and until I can get a "real" video camera I will be making due with my Canon Power Shot SD780 IS Digital ELPH. How's that for some super specific details? (It's like, 3.5 years old. Wahhh wah.)

Once I've perfected the channel to my standards I'll release the details on here. Chances are, if you know me, you already are privy to it. It's not that I want it to be a secret, I just want it to be semi perfect so that maybe, just maybe, one day I can be one of those lucky youtube girls that get products sent to them to review, keep and host giveaways.

And oh yes, I've been fairly busy being League Manager to an all woman fantasy football league. I am so excited to say that, can you tell?!? I have really wanted to start an all woman team since getting the boot from my previous fantasy football league because of the v*gina thing. They were nice about it and all, but still. Anyway, it's a lot of fun! I have had to have some help from my awesome hubs. As much as I hate asking for help sometimes he really does come in useful, especially with Excel spreadsheets.

Stay tuned, friends!