Banjo

**originally written on 8/16/12. I thought, "what a geeky thing to write about!!", but since I'll be in Branson, MO Friday-Tuesday I think now it's appropriate. I just found out there is Fiddle Festival this weekend in downtown Branson and I'd love to go and take my kiddos! I know they'd love it and I know I would too. My maternal biological grandfather, who I sadly only got to meet one time before he passed, was a bluegrass musician. Maybe it's in my blood?

I'm very emotional today and not necessarily in a negative way, just sensitive. I've been listening to music all day and music will move me to tears. Sad songs, happy songs, anything. Music is good for my soul.

The other day I watched a documentary called "The Banjo Project" narrated by Steve Martin and I just bawled and bawled! The music and the stories, so happy and so sad and the sounds that stringed instrument makes is amazing. I had no idea of any sort of history of the banjo and was blown away. Just amazing.

Isn't it funny how something you think is a geeky interest of yours can really inspire you and make you think, to stop and listen and learn?

Open (a poem attempt)

Face forward

Eyes bright

as to not blind

my heart to the fight

It hurts to peel back the layers

as if I were an orange

to discover the sweetness underneath

the bitter exterior

It's there, though.

Open mind

Open heart

Open soul

take care with gentle ease

yet

protect with rapid fierceness

Just a note about this writing exercise..I have not attempted to write poetry since I was a teenager. Back then, that's all I wrote. I would sit in my room, choosing to stay in on a Friday night only to sit by my stereo and listen to Smashing Pumpkins, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, PJ Harvey, Tori Amos, and, well, cry. To write. Tough times then. That's my point though. From the very beginning of it all, writing has always been a part of me. Some part of my brain, body and spoken language are somehow unable to express what I can so easily, with thought, do. It's hard to listen. It's easy to read. It's hard to talk, it's easy to write.

Makeup Mania Thursday

If you know me, you know I have a great passion and LOVE for makeup! Anything beauty related I am in to, whether it be skincare, nail art, cosmetics, body care, perfume, oils, etc. You name it in that genre, I'm in to it. I'd like to be so immodest to say that I feel that I have a talent with makeup and color. It's something I LOVE to do and I would never ever tell someone they NEEDED makeup. Makeup to me is something that can enhance your natural beauty if you choose or you can let your natural beauty shine on through, au natural!

What I'm getting at is that I would never want any woman (or man to be PC) to feel as if they don't wear makeup they aren't beautiful. Nah, it's not like that. I've just always been a real girly-girl. I was busted wearing makeup in the 5th grade by my very nice teacher, Mrs. Steed. What did my Mom do? Well, she knew that I wanted to be a girly girl and feminine and instead of being punished for my sneakiness she took me shopping and bought me my first makeups. Age appropriate lip glosses and some pastel eye shadows. I wasn't "allowed" the rest until high school.

I'd really like to steer my blog in a new direction at least for one day a week. I'm thinking that Thursday will be the day and this week it's called Face of the Day or FOTD. What I will do is post a picture of all the products I use on my face (non-skincare) and then all the products I use on my eyes and lips. It's a lot of fun for me because like I said, it's one of my passions and it can be very creative.

So, without further delay, here are my FOTD photos and below that photo, in detail, are the product names I have used.

Face:

Foundation: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind in Pure Beige

Concealer: Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser Treatment in Light

Blusher: Nars Orgasm

Bronzer: Benefit- Dallas

Highlighter: Wet n' Wild Color Icon "Bronzer" in Reserve Your Cabana (this is definitely a bronzer by any means, but it is a lovely highlighter!

Eyes

Primer: Too Faced Eye Primer (eye primer = must)

Shadows: 1.) Loreal Infallible in Gold Imperial

2.) Wet n' Wild Walking on Eggshells trio

Eyeliners: 1.) Revlon Colorstay in Brown Black on upper lash line

2.) Bed Head Cyberoptics Shadow in Green on lower lash line

3.) Bed Head Big Fat Fun in Black on waterline

Mascara: CoverGirl Lashblast Fusion in Very Black

Lips: Revlon Just Bitten Balm Stain in Darling

I would love to hear any sort of feed back, suggestions, ideas for anything makeup related I could do. I also love to review products and if there are any products you see above that you would like my opinion on please don't be shy.

I also have some hair care products I plan on reviewing soon.

If you are interested and are not already a member of my facebook page "Beauty Cupcakes" by all means, friend me and I will be happy to add you. Lots of advice, techniques, nail art, photos, hair, we have a girl for every passion.

Hope you have enjoyed!

Fire Marshall Bill

Let me tell you something! (I cannot say that sentence without channeling Fire Marshall Bill from "In Living Color")

Remember that show?!? Oh my gosh I loved that show! I loved the dancers, I wanted to be one so bad! Only I got my words mixed up and instead of telling my family members and friends I wanted to be a Fly Girl when I grew up I went around telling people I wanted to be a Call Girl when I grew up. True story.

Back to the subject: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! This age/stage/period of time that my sweet, smart, funny little boy is going through right now is about to do me in! Keeping my sense of humor is key and also, so is breathing deep, deep breaths and counting to ten in my head before speaking softly to my super hyper screaming if he doesn't get his way pushing his sister jumping on the furniture little boy. All of this is apparently normal, I know. I also know it will get better and it will also get worse. I do know all of these things. It's a stage, a struggle, a tiny fraction of his childhood and my Motherhood.

I do the best I can. Since he has so much energy we run a lot. And by we I mean HE runs a lot. I walk and challenge him to races, "Hey Henry! I want you to run as FAST as you can to that tree (a mile away, jk) over there, tag it, and RUN back! Ready?!? GO!!!" And we're always swimming or at the park. I really do cater to his physical needs to be very active. I wish it were a bit more productive at slowing him down sometimes though. That's not for me to control though. What I can control is his diet (watching for sugars and processed foods, etc) and I can control my reactions to his behaviors. I'm just worn out and ready for it to be a bit smoother again.

He still likes to sit on my lap and lets me read to him so that's always a calm down and something I LOVE to do for him and my sweet Lucy. So...there's always that.

In other news, I am getting ready to pre-rank my players for my fantasy football team. That will let off a little steam and get me thinking in a different direction.

Oh! I worked out yesterday with an awesome personal trainer with my babysitter at a gym in Saint Louis called Steel Plate Fitness. It was so cool. Something I have figured out about myself over the years is that I really THRIVE on being fit/active. No, I'm not good at any sports where balls are flying at my nose (there goes my social life! ) or anything that requires me to be a team player but I was an athlete in high school. I was a swimmer. Anyway, when I challenged myself after Henry was born to get in shape and to C25K I loved having that goal to reach for. And although I did not reach my goal (shit happens) that's okay. I felt great. So what I am going to say about this personal trainer is that he really had a practical attitude about physical fitness. He called it functional fitness. Things and muscle groups you use on a day to day basis. Let's work on those. The gym has NO machines except for a stationary bike. I'm talking push ups, lunges, crunches, squats, all those things. It's really inspired me to get back into that whole frame of mind and continue to be "active" with my kiddos, but also take time to fine tune my body.

This is getting to be a really long post. But I want to end it with a book I am reading. If you read my previous post you would have seen that I have accepted The Holy Spirit back into my life. The book I am reading right now, if you are at all interested in finding your spirituality is "The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything - Spirituality for Real Life". I am have been consumed, CONSUMED with researching denominations and I cannot find one right now that suits me. At all. But I've come to peace with that and I'm just going to read this book and see where it leads me. I've had major hang ups with the politics of most churches (no names) that I cannot be a part of....so, I don't know. Anyway, this book, I'll finish and like I said, we'll see where it leads me.

Thanks for listening to my rambling.

Something Amazing: God

I had a great, life changing moment in my life yesterday. I'd like to share it with you and hope that you can respect my new faith, just as I respect all others faith, religions and beliefs.

Over the past 10 years or so I have drifted far, far, far away from God. Never denying his existence, just not sure if I was deserving of that love and understanding yet always knowing he was there.

Turns out he's been waiting on me to come back.

For the past three months, maybe even longer, I have really, really been struggling with pretty much everything in my life. That's all I can say about that just because honestly, it's not important now and I choose to look forward, not behind. I have been talking to God, praying to him, begging him to please, please PLEASE help me get myself together, to help me be a better Mom, a better wife, a better person. I've been searching, reading and asking lots of questions. Yesterday my Mother in Law mentioned that she sent my hubby "The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything" and I thought, "hey, I think I'll pick it up and scan it. This book that's been sitting on my bookshelf for months, I pick up, read, get 5 pages in and feel something. I would call myself a skeptic for sure but to me, there was no denying that yesterday I was compelled to close that book, call Henry over to me, tell him I was praying to God and inviting him back into my life. And I did! I asked God and Jesus back into my life, that I need their guidance, love and understanding.

**This was after I talked to my Mom, all freaked out asking what do I do?!? I need to be saved! I need a church!! She just told me I just needed to pray, invite Jesus and God back into your life and worry about the church later. Mom's are great**

I honestly believe that I was moved by a higher spirit, the Holy Spirit, God, whatever you need to call it to understand it.

Did you know after I did that I literally felt like a weight was off of my chest and so very HAPPY! Joyful. Proud and I felt like celebrating. I called my Mom, Dad, Aunt, Cousin, so many happy conversations. I want to see God in everything I do. I want to be blessed and I want to see everything in a new light. I know now that is a possibility for myself and my family.

This is just the beginning of our journey. We have lots of hurdles to jump over and lots of things to figure out but we're starting it! We're starting this journey. I hope you can be happy for my family and I.

**A little back ground: I was brought up Free Will Baptist and while I do not think that this will be our new religion I wanted to explain the whole urge I had to be saved. I have been saved and baptised when I was 8. That's a BIG DEAL in lots of churches, I felt, in my case, that it needed to be renewed. **

Footbahl

I started a Fantasy Football League. I am so excited to be "the commish"!

I have 14 ladies from facebook who I know or have known years back from all over the country. Okay, who am I kidding with the all over the country bit. Oklahoma, Missouri, North Carolina, New York and California. Whatever. The point is I STARTED MY OWN FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM and I have no idea what I'm doing, but that's okay!

I played one year back in Raleigh with a bunch of buddies and it was one of the best experiences I had in my life. It brought out my competitive side and I learned a TON about the game. I also learned that, hey, I like football! I like talking about football!

I am still undecided on my team. Not my FF team, but I mean who's jersey will I eventually purchase and wear? I have a Panther's jersey (Delhomme, ha!!) but since I no longer live in NC I'm not really into that team anymore. I *should* be a Rams fan since I live in Saint Louis now but nah, I don't think so. It's totally not important but I do want to pick a team and be a fan of theirs for at least, you know, a while.....hey. No one ever said I WASN'T a fair weather fan.

So who shall it be?

I posted a POLL (hehehe, Beavis and Butthead laugh) for you to pick.

P.S. If they play Moby ONE MORE TIME on my Gnarls Barkley Pandora I'm going to lose it. No Moby. NO MOBY!

I Am Me Again

It's as if the clouds have parted and I am ME again.  The me that semi-strangers would say "Wow, Andrea, I never would have thought you were an such an angry person dealing with depression since your teens and have been in and out of doctors offices and therapy for years."  That's not to say that I don't have bad days here any there but I am in control of my emotions now.  I needed help, I asked for help, I got help.  I have control of my life.  I am not abusing any sort of substance to be comfortable in my own skin.  I am eating good, healthy, real foods (most days, this is, after all, my weakness).  I am a better wife and a better mother for these things.  I am praying to my higher power and leaning on him when I need strength.  I am proud of me.  I am regaining my sense of humor and finding myself again.  I just have to keep at it.  Keep working on myself and developing negatives into a positive picture.

It's good, it really is good.  

My next goal is to get on an exercise regimen.  Since it's been summer I have been counting all our outside time and trips to the pool as exercise even though it's not.  I'd rather enjoy the summer to tell you the truth.  Fall and winter are around the corner and since we have a membership to a gym with daycare I can start planning that out.  I may even start lap swimming on the weekends. Which means I'll be in the market for a swim cap and goggles (eeee!  reminds me of High School!)  

I am hoping that this fog I've been in for a long, long time is clear.  Clear enough for me to dive back into things I feel like I have talent for like writing, makeup, communicating and teaching (my children).  Who knows where I'll go, what I'll do.  No more excuses, no more martyr.  Life is too short.


Welcome back, Andrea